This is great.

Just re-read all of my posts and decided on a few things.

1. I didn't know the difference between aloud/allowed or too/to.
2. I use to like Twilight? WTF.
3. I was a little whiney, emo, crybaby.
4. This blog gets funnier and more stupid with time.

May be Crocodiles

Well hello there Blog. It's been a while.

Where to begin? The past eight months I've been living in Melbourne serving fancy people their fancy food and being a total bad-ass. The weather turned into complete shit and Emma and I being the Princesses that we are, had to migrate north for the winter. So now we find ourselves in the beautiful and quaint little town of Port Douglas located in the Australian state of Queensland. We went to the beach yesterday and got our tan on. Emma swam like a mermaid in waters with signs that clearly state 'May be crocodiles' (she's a champ) while I stood ankle deep on 'croc watch' because this ain't Home Town Buffet and they can't have whatever they want. Anyways, today I found a lizard about the length of a dime and let him sit in my hand; he was cute. Right now we're staying in a pretty groovy hostel called 'Dougies.' We have an extensive list of activities to do while we're here which include: snorkeling/scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef, Crocodile hunting (aka tour), Helicopter ride over the reef, Jungle zipline, Koala sanctuary etc.

Next stop...Thailand.

Peter Pan Syndrome

I was in a sexy mans bathroom and I couldn't help but giggle at the speedo on the floor.

You had me at "I'm a weird cat guy"

Is it wrong when my date tells me he's a vegetarian that the only word that comes to mind is 'stamina'?

My Momma needs to slap me.

Spoiled California Sun Baby

My sister asked me why I haven't been posting any blogs and I told her it's because I have a life, this isn't true.  I've always had a life but this one has a month-to-month prepaid USB modem in it.  Which means I use it only for important things like stalking people on Facebook and buying shoes.  Seriously, what the fuck have I been up to? Well, I live in Melbourne, Australia where the men dress like they're in a GQ magazine and the girls think they can get away with the 'runway bun' when they go out (see below for runway bun).  I love this city but hate it's weather.  Emma got called a 'spoiled California sun baby' the other day and I said 'damn right!' But enough complaining about the weather because I do it twenty times a day.  Let's talk about the food and how amazing it is.  It's amazing.  Now the footy players and how sexy they are.  Can't be described (refer to photo below).  I'll wait till I leave Melbourne to post about my personal experiences because they range from complete opposites of the emotional spectrum and it may cause some head inflation or ego bruising.  For now I bid you farewell my handful of bean readers.

Runway Bun

Footy Player (Okay, maybe Rugby)

It's absolute comedy when guys refer to themselves as a "catch" when trying to ask me out.

Cocktails on Friday

Jason: "Do you want a Fried Egg Cocktail?"

Me: "WTF, a what?"

Jason: "A Friday Cocktail."

Me: "Oh my god I thought you said Fried Egg Cocktail. I was like what the fuck is wrong with you!"

Me: "And yes, I do."

Sarcasm at it's finest.

When I say things like...

"The Father of my unborn children"

Or

"Baby Daddy"

I mean

"We're going to fork so much and so hard that I will accidentally get pregnant"

Not

"I want to marry this man and have his babies"

Jokingly of course.  In most cases.

- Brandolf

Troll Dad.

For whatever reason I'm at my parents house in my old room laying down in a twin sized bed with a cute male friend.  I'm twenty-three years old by the way and moved out of the house when I was eighteen.  As if that matters in a parents perspective.

Dad: *suddenly walks in room without knocking*
Dad: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Laying down."
Dad: "Oh yeah? Suuuuuuuuuure, Laying down."

Dad

Dad: *shuts the door*

Me

My little sister makes these exact faces.

Anatomy 101

Me: "Ahhh I have to pee again!"

Friend: "Damn, your vagina is loose."

Me: "Haha that's a different hole stupid!"

Mandy's Bridal Shower

Couldn't help but remember when Mandy and I had Ms. Bozina and Mr. Johnson for 7th grade English and Mandy would always raise her hand before me and it would piss me off. Now I'm going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

Gettin old.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2

I have overwhelming feelings of bliss and somber because the final installment of the 'Harry Potter' movie series is out.  I can't count the number of times I teared up in the theater.  I will say the 'Snape-pensieve' scene was the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen.

I think the only thing left to do now is to have children and read them the books so I can soak in the joy that lights on their face.

Whimsic Alley

When I was 18 years old my family and I took a trip to LA and I tried to convince my Dad to stop at the Harry Potter store 'Whimsic Alley' but instead we went to Roscoes Chicken and Waffles and I refused to eat because I was so pissed.

Rugrats

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you blog but I just met the real Tommy Pickles.

Amsterdam

During this whole trip I've been talking about how Amsterdam was the best. I still stand by my word but it might be tie with Rome once we leave. I can't post about the awesomeness that is Amsterdam so you'll have to wait till I tell you in person. This is a photo of Roel and Herman and below is a photo of my shoes as I ride on the back of a bike.

Birmingham

Met a giant Panda. Drank Pimms. Played Ping, Ping, Pong. Joined Pippa Middletons Ass Appreciation Facebook page. Wore Kate and Will paper masks. May or may not have ran around in my underwear. I dont know I don't remember.

Fantasies

Emma: "I hope I meet a sexy Greek man with a boat."

Brandi: "I hope I meet a sexy Australian man with a boat in Greece."

London

London was like a British version of Los Angeles with sexier men. We stayed with George in Camden Town and he took us out to have tea cup cocktails which were magically delicious! I had a beautiful photo of it but my camera is gone (more about that later). Then we had a drunk argument with George about taxes and America. Two things Emma and I know nothing about. We got to attend the Royal Wedding. We sat next to the Queen and she let us borrow some hats because we couldn't fit ours in our luggage. We noticed that she doesn't sing "God save the Queen" which I thought was badasssss. Any who. I love London.

Here we go.

I've been neglecting my Euro Trip blog updates. Let's see if I can remember all the things I wanted to say. And FYI I may rate it PG-13 although there were no massive orgies or sex of any kind there are a few things I wouldn't like my Mother to hear.

Euro Trip Quotes

ME: "Can you tell we're American?"
NICK: "Only when you open your mouth."


*giant flight of stairs*
EMMA: "Mother fucker!"


ME: "The ketchup tastes funny."


EMMA: "Our goal is to NOT sleep together tonight."


ME: "There's a lot of black people."
EMMA: "Watch your stuff."

Tea Party

I had an amazing cucumber cocktail served in a tea cup with a cucumber sandwich in a vintage underground bar last night.

I love London.

In case you didn't know. Australian men are the sexiest mother fuckers on earth!


- Brandolf

I have absolutely no game.

Zombie Apocolypse

Lula: "If we ever turn into zombies don't think I won't shoot your ass in the fuckin head!"

Me: "Um yeah, ditto."

Fact:

As a professional Facebook stalker I must say I hate it when it's my stalkee's birthday. Nothin but Happy Birthdays for about three 'Load more posts' fuck.

American Gods

Every ending is a new beginning.

Your lucky number is none.

Your lucky color is dead.

Hot Toddy

Me: "What did she put in it?"
Friend: "Whiskey."
Me: "What kind?"
Friend: "The free kind."

PENcil

Why is it so hard to find a pencil laying around the house these days!? I was fooled by a pen disguised as a pencil.


- Brandolf

Bowers

I sleep in the same bed with a gay man by the name of Jason Bowers. As we lay here at 3:00 a.m. about to fall asleep he says "Wanna play patty cake?" then ten minutes later he says "Hey guess what I *extremely loud fart*"

I laugh because I have my own blanket so I can wrap myself up like a burrito really tight so I don't smell it.

Coral Tree Cafe thinks I'm funny.

London Dublin Amsterdam Brussels Paris Madrid Barcelona Ibiza Nice Venice Florence Rome Athens

I have never been more excited for something in my whole life.  CANT. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT. IT.

Can you say life changing?

Lost in Translation.

One time my Australian friend asked me if we (America) had carrots. I said no.

For some strange reason I thought 'Carrots' was a restaurant. Weird.


- Brandolf

No bueno

The 18 Most Suppressed Inventions Ever!

Holiday Message (missing Christmas)

Here is a short video a friend of mine created and asked me to be in.  I'm laying on the bed motionless.

Holiday Message (Missing Christmas) - watch more funny videos

Alie Layus

The dangerously hot Miss Alie Layus. Lady boner? Like the Eiffel Tower.

The character Ingrid Magnussen leaves a strong impression on my soul.

Game Plan

Fly in to London. Have the time of my life. Fly out from Athens.

Celebrity phone calls

A friend and I were discussing celebrities that have called us.

I've only had Norm McDonald call me. My friend had Faizon Love (BIG WORM) call him. Which is off the chizzzzzain!

"Hey what's up Big Perm! I mean Big Worm" -Smokey


- Brandolf

The boss you wish you had.

"You smell like a stripper."

"Wanna get butt naked and wrestle?"

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is your bank bag is perfect. The bad news is there were no naked pictures in there."

"I was just thinking about this Australian chick I fucked. She was loud. Ummm, are you calling for help?"

"Brandi, will you marry me?"

Hysterical.

www.crazythingsparentstext.com

Me: I hate my job.
Mom: You know, there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar.

B.O.B

I've been debating whether I should write this blog or not. I've decided...yes.

Short story even shorter; I was doing my laundry at the laundry mat and when I stuck my hands in to switch it from the washer I felt something vibrating. Confused, I took a closer look. That's when I found B.O.B.

Wtf, B.O.B we're not even seeing each other! How'd you get in there?

I smuggled him out in my laundry bag very inconspicuously. I was so embarrassed I wanted to cry.

I pine, I burn, I perish.

We are puppets.

Letters

One of my favorite things are hand written letters. Here are a few I came across while packing. I'll put my own comments in parenthesis.

Timothy Vasquez
Lackland, TX

Dear Brandi,

I sent Mama the money order for $400.00 but she said the prices went up. If $200.00 is not enough for you borrow some from somebody and I will pay them back. I gotta roll some t-shirts now so bye. :)

(My brothers is awesome and he ends his letters accordingly)




Jeremy Terrazas
Bakersfield, CA

Here is your belt. Don't worry about mine, I rarely wear it anyway. Just hold on to it for me. In case you hadn't noticed by my page I am, yet again, going to try to see if things can work out between Hannah and I. I know, you probably don't think it's a good idea but I think that every one has at least one person in their life that forces them to turn a blind eye to logic. Hannah is, apparently, that person for me. I'm not sure how things will work out, or if they even will at all, but I'm going to try. I don't know how often we will be able to talk, or how long it will be before I see you again. I do know, and I want you to know that no matter what happens or how much time passes, I will ALWAYS think of you as one of my BEST friends, and I will ALWAYS love you. This is not goodbye, so...until next time...

Love
Jeremy Terrazas

(This is one of those guy friends that stops talking to you whenever he gets a girlfriend. I've just recently accepted it and know that he is truly one of my best friends. This letter is about 2 years old and I just threw out that belt he mentioned in the beginning about a week ago. I guess keeping it that long for no reason really says something.)




Timothy Vasquez
Lackland, TX

Dear Brokeass,

I don't really have much to say but I still haven't had the chance to get a money order. If I'm not able to do that I'll just send you $200 bucks in the mail kk. Oh and guess what? We got gassed yesterday and that shit was awesome, I walked outta that chamber like a gee and some photographer dude was taking pictures me, I felt so cool. Ha but later on I set off a roadside bomb and killed my whole team and I felt like an idiot. That's all I got to say so write me back and date your letters.

(My brother didn't really set off a roadside bomb. He was in basic training for the Air Force)

Industry of cool.

There are a few film characters that I find to be on a whole other level of cool. If the word awesome made sweet sweet love to the word badass then they would be that word.

In no particular order...


Cameron Frye - Ferris Buellers Day Off

"He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO."





Lester Bangs - Almost Famous

"Of course I'm home. I'm always home. I'm uncool."





Marvin Bogg - Red

"Old man my ass."





Jeff - Grandmas Boy

"What does high score mean? New high score. Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?"

Oh how I've missed theeeee!

I once knew a boy that would change the song anytime The Rapture came on. We're not friends anymore.

One time I hit my funny bone so hard that my vision went black and I got nauseous. Now I'm laughing.

My little sister.

"I just feel weird when they touch me below the belly button"

"Have you ever pooped while on the phone with your friends?"

"You know how back in the day you could only see black and white"

Computer Wiz Kid.

Whenever I go back home to my parents house they make me feel like a fucking computer genius. I showed them how to put music on their iPods and how to download torrents.


- Brandolf